Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.