Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
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wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.