the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.