911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Brilliant!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*