Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave