Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.