Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day