Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
All is fair in drunk and war.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?