Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Jesus Christ lmao
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.