[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Nothing.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.