[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Baking is just science you can eat.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.