Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
that de-escalated quickly
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.