Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
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“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
kitchen magnet
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today