wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
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Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia