Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it