[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
How about daylight saves us for once
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sorry not sorry.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?