The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
shit just got real
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*