“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
This guy’s not having it 😆
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down