Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.