If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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constantly working on myself.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Does your wife know you’re single?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap