If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
doing your own taxes
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
i love meeting boys on tinder
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler