woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations