‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Not my job 😂
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy