Word.
~ Microsoft.
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I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.