Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What鈥檚 not to like?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you馃槶.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don鈥檛 have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I鈥檓 watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.