Word!
You Might Also Like
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”