The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.