Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Growing up was a huge mistake
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Things will get butter, keep churning
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?