Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
True
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running