Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
You Might Also Like
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope