Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
A ghost story
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8