#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The human personality is made of five key elements
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?