#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?