[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
You Might Also Like
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag