@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
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@CantWaitToNap: Spielberg's movie "Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
@JohnFugelsang: If god didn't like sex, He wouldn't make us scream His name when it's really hot.
@9GAG: Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there."