@Underchilde: Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.
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@RandomManik: My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
@drhappyknuckles: Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.
@_Tempo11: Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: "I'm so sorry"
@novicefather: One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O'Donnell.