technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
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If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”