Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.