[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
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ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe