Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
This one’s “Alex”.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Well, this is awkward
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!