has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
got so much cardio in today
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.