Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
found this cool rock hiking today
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct