WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
couldn’t resist
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.