*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
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Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.