Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
umm…
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it