{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo