Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
You Might Also Like
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My beach vacation Google searches
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I’m pretty like a car crash.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.