I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.