[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT