[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’