Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*