History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
You Might Also Like
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.