[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
congratulations to them
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken